


I Wanna Tell You Things I Never Tell Myself

by orphan_account



Series: Even when I doubt you I'm no good without you [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron is here too now, Abuse, Alex needs a hug, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Thomas and Jemmy are trying hella hard, fluff later on I promise, when will i not mess up a fic honestly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-08-12 04:22:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7920340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Eliza and John are killed in a car accident, Alexander curls up on the floor fully intending to let himself finally die.<br/>That is until Washington voluntells Alex he'll be staying with some people until he's sure he wont accidentally starve to death.<br/>He just can't seem to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You would've liked it uptown

**Author's Note:**

> yo yo friendos !! this is my first fic (that ive posted, I have like a million others that will never see the light of day) and its probably pretty terrible!! i am wanting to make the friendlies with people so please !! come bother me on tumblr  
> tumblr is: Thatonekidattheparty 
> 
> aLsO THIS FIC DOESNT HAVE A BETA *cough cough hack wheeze subtlety* ; ) ) ) )

'going to go work more odd jobs to pay for the therapy that doesn't fix you -Elizabeth'

'taking Betsy to work, good to know ur forcing her to work just so we can pay for ur therapy when u r just "so depressed" u cant get up -John' 

Eliza's swirly light handwriting was so different from the way John scribbled and ground his pencil into the paper. Even when she was angry, you could tell she was just barely touching her pencil to the page.  
At a happier point in time it would've reminded Alexander of the way she would feather kisses across his scars, but now it just reminded him of how she barely touched him like she barely touched the paper when she wrote.

John was something else all together, he was a tornado, unpredictable and violent in his writing, and the last going off, his affections towards Alexander. It wasn't John's fault though, Alex had made him angry, John hit him because he loved him and he didn't want to hurt Alex, he promised he didn't want to hurt him and it was for his own good. The yelling was just so Alex would listen to what John was saying, so was the hair pulling, and the mean names, it was all so he would listen. John loved him and Eliza both, he only wanted what was best for Alex. It wasn't John's fault that Alex was broken.

It was all Alex's fault, John was right, If he wasn't so lazy they wouldn't have gone out, Alex would've gone out, and they'd still be alive. If he could trade places they'd be standing here right now and they'd smile and have each other, they'd be enough.

When he went in to visit them, they'd both looked so wrong, so cold and wrong and pale and too much like his mother had looked before she died. John's freckles stood out so much more when he wasn't red faced and screaming. Eliza's hair was still so beautiful even when it was missing in places and singed and matted with blood. they were still amazing and he loved them both.  
He remembered all the times they had snuggled and been happy and laughed at stupid movies, and he'd always remember that.  
the same way he'd always remember the long mournful wail of the heart monitors flat-line as Eliza's, and not soon after, John's chest's stopped rising.

It had been dark and wet and cold that day, like it had been the past 3 days since they died.  
Eliza loved days like this, she said it made it easier to stay inside and bake for her boys and herself. Alexander couldn't bring himself to go in there, too many memories of happier times, so he just didn't eat. He didn't think he deserved to eat.

He hadn't been to work for a week, he hadn't returned any calls or texts, no one knew yet and he wasn't ready to tell them.  
Washington had called several times, he'd left around ten messages on his answering machine, most of them with the same general message of 'I hope you didn't hurt yourself son, if you don't call back soon I'll send someone over' not like Washington would, he never had before.

About twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. This time, Washington went trough with it.

"Motherfucker" Alex muttered while grabbing wildly at his phone from underneath his thick blankets. Washington had sent him a text an hour earlier.  
'son I'm worried since I heard about Eliza and John' Alexander stiffened before reading onward 'don't worry the only other person here who knows is Peggy for obvious reasons, she thinks you should be the one to tell people since you were closest to John and Eliza. I'm sending some people over to make sure you haven't done anything, you'll be staying with them for a few days until you're alright, best regards, G.Washington :)"

Alexander tried hard to be mad at Washington but he was only trying to make sure he was alright, something John and Eliza would be doing if they were still here. He pushed away the thought and trudged to door throwing it open carelessly, It wasn't like Eliza was here to yell lovingly at him anymore.

He'd been expecting Lafayette and Hercules or maybe even Charles Lee if it was a bad day. He wasn't expecting Jefferson and Madison shoving themselves and Jefferson's stupid purple aesthetic umbrella into theirs- no his, apartment.

The obnoxious purple fucker looked pretty decently okay, so did Madison, maybe it was because he was so lonely and missed having three people in the apartment.  
The whole being okay and decent today thing flew out the window the second Jefferson was fully inside.

"Hello Hamilton, explain why Washington practically begged us to take you home with us and make sure you don't starve to death" Jefferson started wandering around grabbing random clothes off the ground, not like Alexander put them away any more, John wasn't there to make sure he behaved.  
It only got bad when Jefferson spoke again.

"And where are Laurens and Miss Schuyler, why cant they watch your sorry ass?" shit.  
Madison seemed to notice how Alexander's face paled, he elbowed Thomas hard in the side and shot him a dirty look, he looked at Alexander and silently urged him to inform Thomas, and himself, as to where they were.

Alexander looked sideways and quietly thought up an explanation.  
"Um, John and Betsy are uh, dead" Alex felt tears welling in his eyes, he looked up expecting Thomas to have a smug look on his face but he looked shocked before it immediately melted away into sympathy and guilt, Madison had reached up to cover his mouth and refused to meet Alexanders eyes.

"C'mon Hamil- Alexander, lets go before it starts to thunder, we can uh, talk more at our place" Jefferson awkwardly walked over placing a hand on Alex's shoulders gently guiding him to the car. Madison walked quietly behind them wiping at his eyes, he'd never been able to handle death well, no matter how well he knew the person.

The two seemed nice enough but Alex knew better and all he could do was prepare for the worst few weeks of his life, At least it would be spent with two people he lov- found nice, found nice because of all the emotions, yea that was probably it, it had only been emotions for the last 3 years.

If he pretended it was just emotions he would move on sooner or later.


	2. Tear in my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander Hamilton isn't ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory flashback chapter !! im rlly sorry but john is hella mean in this !! and eliza is just kinda there ??  
> also i was like "get someone to beta this and make sure its good b4 u post it" but then i finished it and i was like "bETTER POST IT RIGHT AWAY" end the me

They'd been driving for around 10 minutes before the first crack of thunder tore open Alexander's mind, except instead of being taken back to Nevis, he was in their apartment between John and Eliza. He knew exactly what night this was, and he was ready when the loud growl of thunder shook the apartment.  
He heard himself scream, no matter how many times he was sucked back into this night he couldn't stop himself.  
John and Eliza both bolted upwards, and John looked absolutely disgusted with him.

"Oh no, you are not going to keep us up all night whore, we have work in the morning" John muttered and grabbed a fist full of Alex's hair despite the quiet pained noises coming from the smaller boy.  
Alexander didn't resist, he deserved this for waking them up, John just wanted everyone to get a good nights sleep.

John slammed his head into the wall  
"Alexander, are you even fucking listening to me? how many times have me and Betsy told you to listen when spoken to?" John punctuated every word with slamming him into the wall, John just wanted him to listen, it was his fault he wasn't listening.  
"m'sorry John, wont happen again" Alex's slurred out, there was black clawing at his vision and John seemed to notice he'd gone a little too far tonight. The hand pulling at his hair was now gently stroking his cheek.

"Oh Alex honey, I'm sorry babe I love you, you know I only want you to behave sweetheart I'm sorry" John was holding him now, peppering his face with kisses, at least Alex thought that's what he was doing, he was numb all over and only struggled closer to John's form. He'd take this kind of love any day, but it was his own fault he didn't behave for John and Eliza.

He was falling in and out of consciousness, the taste of iron was strong in his mouth and he was sure he was missing a tooth. He tried to focus on the gap where his tooth had been, focusing on one injury usually kept him awake long enough to drag himself to the mattress in the corner.

Everything would be better in the morning, Betsy would would make them something for breakfast and clean the caked blood off of him and give him an excuse to tell Washington about why he was hurt, Betsy was always good at making those up. She promised it was just so Washington wouldn't take him away from her and John, because Washington wouldn't understand the way they showed how much they loved him.

He heard his name being said, Betsy or John must want him for someth- Betsy and John weren't here anymore, they were gone, Jefferson and Madison must be saying it, but they sounded so far away, it would be so much easier to just ignore it but what was the point of that. He didn't deserve to have it easy.

Instead of just letting the flashback consume him he willed himself back to interior of Jefferson's car.

They were stopped on the side of the road. Jefferson must've pulled over a long time ago, it was so much colder and darker than it had been when he'd been sucked back into that night.  
Madison had moved from his seat up front to sit in the back with Alexander, he muttered something to Jefferson about how if Alex didn't respond soon to go to the hospital.

Alexander was barely aware that he'd made a small noise at the word hospital, he didn't want to be anywhere near one of those for a long time.

Jefferson and Madison's heads swiveled to look at him, relief seemed to melt onto Jefferson's features, probably relieved he didn't need to waste more gas going to the hospital.

"Alexander, are you ok? you look like dea- you look terrible, whens the last time you ate?" Jefferson asked bluntly, Alex pretended he didn't notice the last second change of words.  
"I don't know probably since..." Jefferson looked shocked, he didn't know why, it wasn't uncommon to go a few days without food or sleep for that matter, he didn't deserve either.  
"Ok for one you are getting some food right now, did Laurens and the Schuyler girl let you go this long without food?" fuck.

All the panic from before came crashing back down, hearing their names was too much, it was all too much, something so simple shouldn't have caused this much panic he shouldn't be so scared, John wouldn't tolerate him acting like this.  
Everything was suffocating him and weighing down it was all too much, he was drowning he needed John and Eliza he needed them he needed to get away.

So that's what he tried to do, he threw open the door and took off running, hearing shouts behind him as he tore down the street just trying to get away from everything.

He hadn't even made it out of site when he collapsed into a small shuddering pile on the sidewalk, he was far too weak to run away.  
His heart was pounding in his ears and his legs had gone numb, scraping his hands against the concrete was the only thing keeping him grounded, the flare of pain as dirt and grit lodged itself in his wounds.

Strong arms grabbed yanked him out of his thoughts, he was in Jefferson's arms, Jefferson was holding him and running back to the car screaming and tossing the keys in James direction telling him to drive.

It's almost like someone cared about Alexander again, but Jefferson didn't care.

In reality Jefferson did care, Jefferson cared a lot.

He had been scared when George begged him and James to take Alexander in for a few days, He'd never said why.

He and James cared quite a bit for the little asshole, they had both practically fallen in love with him the day they met and had plans to ask him out, until he saw one of they Schuyler sisters and Laurens dragging him around like some kind of stuffed toy.  
So they annoyed Alex, if they fought at least he was still in their lives. The closer they stayed to him the closer eye they could keep on him.  
Thomas always made his hatred towards Elizabeth Schuyler and Laurens known, especially when he saw them mistreat Alex. It seemed like every other day Elizabeth treated the poor boy like one of her maids, Not to mention the times Laurens would shoot Alex a look that sent chills up Thomas' spine, Laurens had always given him an uneasy feeling.

Alexander had stilled quite a bit, Thomas assumed he'd passed out from exhaustion and gently rolled up Alex's baggy hoodie. He'd been somewhat expecting what he saw but not so severe.

Rail thin arms coated with red and pink lines weren't as shocking as the angry bruises on his wrists, there were no mistaking that the bruises came from being grabbed. Everything started coming together and Thomas was disgusted, this was why Laurens and that bitch had always given him bad vibes, when he had heard crashing and yelling in Alex's office he thought it was just a normal couples fight, there was so much more going on behind closed doors.  
Thomas needed to talk to James about this. Maybe when he wasn't so furious that someone would take advantage of their Alexander.

Thomas gently stroked his thumb across Alexander's cheek, to calm him and himself at this point.  
"You're alright darlin' you're gonna be ok" Thomas hadn't realized he was crying until he felt hot tears rolling down his cheeks.

Alex would be ok, Alexander was going to be alright, he had to be.

James and Thomas would fix as much of the damage as they could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to call this chapter "feeling bad about not getting it beta'd and then still not getting it beta'd for no reason other than being problematic"


	3. The sun will rise and we will try again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter might be rlly bad !! it might be hella rushed bc i rlly wanted to get a chapter out today !! srry in advance if it is !!  
> also its probably really short i am sorry !!

James was terrified when Thomas told him they needed to have a little 'talk' about Alexander. It was more than clear that Alex was not 

in a good place right now, physically or mentally, and when Thomas mentioned something about bruises, he tried to assure himself what 

they had been fearing since they met Alexander couldn't possibly be true, they were just overreacting, it was a misunderstanding.

No amount of self reassurance could have prepared him for the state of Alexander's body. Thomas had asked him to come in and look at 

the bruises and cuts lacing their way up Alex's wrists when James mentioned they should get him out of his soaked and dirty clothes.  
After all, Alex was weak and being wet and close to frozen probably wasn't good for him. So Thomas started peeling off the dirty 

sweater.

Every inch of skin revealed more and more wounds and scars and bruises. James noticed the word 'whore' carved into his thigh as they 

yanked off muddy jeans. James was horrified as he noticed the sheer amount of words carved into his thighs.

'John's slut' 'Eliza's whore' 'worthless' 'disgusting' 'mistake' 

Thomas was practically vibrating with rage, and all James could bring himself to do was make a strangled noise of horror. There was no way James could just pin this as overreacting now, Alexander hadn't carved these words into himself, that was made obvious by the 

two distinct style of handwriting displayed in the wounds.

'John's slut' was written dark and deep but 'Eliza's whore' was written in neat loopy handwriting, not pressed as deeply as what he 

and Thomas assumed to be John's handwriting, but deep enough to leave a scar, deep enough to be permanent.  
Both James and Thomas were absolutely mortified.

Thomas was the first to move from his spot beside Alexander, taking a few steps before collapsing into James.

"I could've stopped this, I could've gotten him away from them, I should've asked, should've said something..." Thomas mumbled 

into James' shoulder. He had always suspected something but had never spoke up, maybe if he had said something to Laurens or Eliza they would've stopped or Alex would've left, He could've done something other than brush it off.

"Thomas you didn't know what was happening, there wasn't anything you could do, focus on fixing whats done and not what we can't change" James pulled away and pressed a kiss to the corner of Thomas' mouth.  
"We're sleeping in here tonight, we need to confront him in the morning anyways, we need to know exactly what we can do to help him" 

James had always been the voice of reason and Thomas was too emotionally exhausted to disagree.

So there they stayed, curled up together on the floor draped in some expensive comforter of Thomas'. Normally Thomas despised having anyone in their personal bed but Alexander looked like he belonged there, tiny frame being swallowed by the huge amount of blankets Thomas insisted on wrapping him in, it just looked right.

Alex wasn't lucky enough to have a dreamless sleep like James and Thomas.

Eliza and John stood in front of him, Eliza's blue dress was shredded and burned, her hair was torn out in places and turned a disgusting black and red. John was in a similar state.

They kept getting closer, everything was closing in around him, he couldn't breathe, couldn't think, it was all too much.   
The sounds of screaming metal filled his ears, the smell of iron and burnt rubber. When he tried to breathe his lungs filled with smoke and blood, everything hurt.   
It was all too much he needed help, he needed John and Eliza, he needed someone.

He jolted upright, this wasn't the apartment, where were Eliza and John? it all had to just be some terrible dream, it was all just a dream, they were in the other room they couldn't be dead.

"'Liza? John?" Alex struggled upwards, noticing the two slumped over bodies in the corner he blindly grabbed at anything he could use as a weapon, his hands latched onto a heavy lamp.

"Where the fuck are Eliza and John, where the hell am I?" Alex tried his best to look and sound threatening as the people snapped awake.

"Alexander, they're dead, you're at our house, it's us... Thomas and James" Thomas was making slow calculated steps towards Alex.

Alex dropped the lamp and fell forward, maybe Thomas would make him pay for the lamp later, it was probably expensive.

Thomas moved forward and caught Alex and gently lowered him to the ground, Alexander was sobbing and grabbing at him now.

"I want John please I want to see John and 'Liza p-please let me see them" Alex was hyperventilating and mumbling to himself, Thomas pulled him into his lap and stroked his hair, trying desperately to calm him down.  
"Alex sweetheart please calm down, you're alright, you'll be ok darlin' just relax" Thomas hesitated for a moment before pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead.  
"C'mon sweetheart, we have something to talk to you about ok?" Alex nodded mutely and buried his face into Thomas' chest, Thomas tried to enjoy the contact before Alex inevitably regained control of his emotions. 

He carried Alex out into their living room, James following close behind.

After getting Alex some food and calming him down, James sprung the first question on him.

"Alexander, did...did John or Eliza ever hurt you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls come bother me on skype also !! im very lonely and not alot of people actually call me anymore. if u want to chillax with one lonely memer, here i am ; ) ) ) )  
> tbh  
> that sweet sweet skypitty skype would be: Horseandponylover@hotmail.ca   
> thats actually it i might actually be Hercules mulligan tbh i made it 6 years ago rip please call me haha ; ) ) )   
> seriously call me whenever i literally dont sleep anymore !!


	4. Notes or otherwise known as i have no impulse control end me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is just notes because im actually terrible

clearing things up !!!!!

these are things that wont be explained (or explained as in depth as they should be) and i would just like to throw down !!  
normally i would give an explanation in story but i dont think it'd be very good to shoehorn things in mid chapter, imo it would look messy  
This is mainly stuff to do with Eliza and John bc i would rlly like to explain their motives and i have 0 impulse control.  
none of this is rly spoliers its just stuff info i would like to share bc i think it makes the story not as terrible? ?? ?  
yea thats about right.

these are p much their reasonings for abusing lil hammy

So so so lets get into it

John thinks that to show you love someone you have to hit them bc of his dad, his dad was always tell him stuff like "it's for your own good" and "I hit you because I care" and Alex and Eliza have been his only S/O's so no one has ever really corrected him??  
so like what John was doing is still terrible but like in his mind he is taking really good care of Alex and he isn't doing anything wrong. he won't hit Eliza bc she asserts herself (like his dad did) so he respects her in a way where he still loves her and is still kinda rough with her but like he wont straight up hit her, but he hits alex bc alex is really submissive around them.  
John is very prone to anger and like anger is his main mood but he can turn very quickly and he is rlly good at disguising it in public. like in chap 2 in the flash back that would be an example of how quickly his emotions flip hes a rly complicated person.

Eliza is a lil bit different than John and let me lay it down now for y'all. Eliza understands love kind of??? not really? at first she saw Alex as an equal but then she saw how john treated him and saw him as more of a maid/servant type deal? like its complicated as fuck, she never really saw him as a total equal bc of his skin color (alex is p tan) which is literally awful ik and she sees him as lesser bc shes used to people of that skin tone being servants to her and her father and they weren't always treated like equals especially by Eliza, she was hella spoiled and her sisters didn't always agree with her there bc they treated them like people but Eliza always kinda thought of them as objects and now thats how she thinks of Alex but since shes like the daughter of a senator shes good at hiding her real emotions and plastering on a smile like John in public and its honestly just rlly bad.

End me tbh

i am usually kind of almost good with writing(i am not that is a lie) and if i wasnt such a weenie i would slip this into the story like smooth jazz but i am kind of jittery as of rn bc my parents are coming to visit so if anyone wants to chillax in a skype call with me all night/morning (its like 4 am) i am game bc honestly my 10 french vanilla coffees have done nothing for my nerves lmao   
skype user is in the like last chapter i think??? idk anymore i mean probably its in the notes that sounds right  
srry this isnt a real chapter rip pl e ase dont literally hate me haha ; ) )) )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am of the sorry


	5. silence if only for a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chat, A breakdown, A visitor, and the beginning of something very bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The me it be.
> 
> guess whos back  
> back again  
> guess whos back  
> tell ur friends

"Thomas doesn't hit you?" Alex glanced awkwardly between the two, John and Eliza always assured him it was for his own good, he'd always assumed it happened between other couples.  
'Maybe James is well behaved, maybe it was just me, fuck fuck fuck it was just me who was bad' Panic rose in his throat like bile, the room suddenly felt diminished of its air as he met their horrified gazes.  
'They're probably figuring out how terrible you are, they're gonna kick you out' John's voice spat in his head.

John never did like the way James and Thomas looked at them when he and Eliza picked him up from work, specifically John didn't like the way they looked at him. John didn't really like the way anyone looked at them in public.

"Alex...Honey of course I don't hit James, why would you think that?" Thomas gently reached forward and ran his thumb across Alexander's cheek, the way Alex flinched away before leaning into the touch wasn't unnoticed.

"I don't understand, they told me it was for my own good, other people must do this, it couldn't just be us..." Alex was thrown back into the hundreds of times John had hit him and immediately apologized, part of him always knew it was wrong, his mother had told him so years ago, but the other parts of him didn't want to let go of John and Eliza, he didn't want to lose someone again so he stayed.

The longer he stayed, the worse it got.

The more submissive he was the more they hit.

The more Eliza called him those mean names and ordered him around.

The more John hit him.

More bruises, More foundation covering those bruises, teeth missing, dried blood in places there shouldn't ever be blood, More excuses- No more lies.

More made it worse.

A soft southern drawl cut through the thick fog of painful memories.

"Alexander sweetie, we may not know what happened to you, and we sure as hell don't expect you to tell us everything, but you know what happened to you was wrong don't you?" Thomas scanned Alexander's dull sad eyes, he wasn't entirely sure himself what he was hoping to see, maybe understanding that what happened wasn't his fault, maybe something entirely different. Anything but the hopelessness that coated them now.

"I-John was go- John loved us and I-I" Alex trailed off and sighed.  
"I know he shouldn't have done it... I just wanted John-Eliza- fuck anyone to love me again, I didn't want to be alone, and by the time I figured out that I needed to leave it wasn't an option and fucking christ I loved them so much and and and-" He cut himself off with a choked sob.   
James looked concerned and reached forward towards Alex gently.  
"Alex you don't have to go on if you don-" Alex didn't let him finish.  
"No...no I- Just let me finish this please let me finish this" James nodded quietly and drew back towards himself.

"I-I don't... I don't know why I ever thought they loved me, no one could I just needed someone, anyone, John was right I was a desperate no good bitch and I was more trouble than I was ever worth..." Alex yanked himself away from Thomas' hand.

"Alex I-" Thomas started but stopped when Alexander growled.  
"Wouldn't want you to get 'whore' on you, Jefferson" Alex spat and stalked away, he was trying to look as threatening as possible but had just ended up looking like a kicked puppy, and neither of the southerners could really blame him.

Thomas looked towards the hallway where Alex had just disappeared into, he flinched a little himself as he heard a door slam shut.  
most likely the bathroom, Alex had been here enough times to discuss bills to know where it was.

Thomas sent a helpless glance towards James, hoping he'd get up and go after Alex with him. But James already assumed what Thomas had wanted and shook his head gently and reached across the table and gently ran a thumb across his hand.  
"Give him time Darlin' he needs space" James offered him a small, sad smile, before pressing a kiss to Thomas' hand.  
"He'll be ok" James silently retreated to his study, or at least that's where he always went when he was stressed, not that he'd ever admit that.

Thomas sighed, and walked down the hallway to the lavish yet simple living room, as fate would happen just as he was about to curl up and wallow in his own worry there was a knock on the door. After a weak 'I'll get it' he trudged to the door and flung it open.

"So I was thinking now we might have a chance with him and all considering Laurens and Elizabeth are out of town or gone or something rig-"  
"Now is not the time to be getting in his pants, they're dead not gone" Thomas sighed and leaned into the figure in the door.

"Then why don't we start picking up the pieces?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dead for a few days, stress from school got to me so i couldn't rlly bring myself to work on this when i knew it wouldnt be my absolute best, Buuuuuuut i didn't want to make people wait idk if anyone still wants more of this but here is more i guess its probably not very good i wanted this one to be longer but its not i just rlly wanted to post again


	6. You get love for it, you get hate for it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyones gonna stop reading this lmao, I really like this ship and i wanted aaron in from the start but i was like "no ppl will hate it dont lmao" but then real late in the fic i was like "no i want aaron back now lmao shoehorn him in there" so if yall hate it i am s o r r y.

Alex stalked down the hall towards the small guest bathroom, Jefferson would have to thank him later for not tainting the master bathroom. He slammed the door, a shaky sigh filled the silence.

Small thin fingers plugged the flawless white bathtub before filling it to the brim with freezing water.

clothes and all, a tiny body melted into the cold water.

'This is all you deserve' John's voice reminded him, the tone was almost as cold as the water forcing his clothes down and making him look smaller.

So he sat there for what seemed like hours but in reality was only a few minutes, he sat and listened to the voices of John and Eliza.  
and that was fine, they couldn't hurt him anymore.

It was fine until their voices morphed into Madison and Jefferson's. both chanting cruel, unspeakable things at him.  
a third voice joined in, no southern drawl, it was cold but without emotion and Alex couldn't place his finger on just who it was.  
So instead of the voices he focused on raking his nails across his arms until they drew blood.

At Least the physical pain took him far away from any harm the voices could inflict.

While Alex was hiding himself away in the bathroom Thomas stood at the door. 

"Look darlin' we care about him just as much as you do but is this really a good idea? now of all times?" Thomas murmured against a

dull charcoal grey sweater.  
"Trust me, this is in all of our best interests" a voice that so rarely showed emotion showed the slightest bit of hope.  
"But it's so soon, should we really tell him how we feel? all of us? would he even want this or accept it so soon and hes so upset

and I want him to trust us and I know I'm rambling I'm sorry" Thomas buried his face in the soft sweater, the familiar smell of wood

and lavender served as a comfort.  
"I don't know how this will go over but... I think all of us have waited long enough" Thomas drew in a shaky breath and gave a small weak smile.  
"C'mon Aaron, lets go get James and let Alex know" Aaron gave a rare smile and followed the newly energized Thomas up the stairs towards James' study. After practically dragging James out from his usual mountain of blankets, Thomas dragged them both towards the small bathroom that Alex had disappeared into around 20 minutes ago.

Thomas did his usual dainty knock, claiming he didn't want to scare him, which was partly true but he also didn't want to bruise his knuckles. Minutes passed and Alex didn't answer, or make any noise at all for that matter. So they tried again, this time yelling Alex's name.

Aaron felt a sense of dread creeping its way into his chest, and by the look his boyfriends gave him they felt it too. Yelling and knocking turned to screaming and pounding. Aaron couldn't take it anymore and with a quick, frightened nod from Thomas, He threw his entire weight against the door until it busted.

Thomas rushed past him and let out a horrified shriek.

Alex sat, teeth chattering and knees pulled up to his chest in the icy water, awake and head above water thank god. The water was stained a light pink and his dirty green sweater had darker reddish patches along the arms.

Thomas was trying his best to drag Alex out of the water, which wasn't an easy task now that his thick clothes were soaked.  
James rushed over to help Thomas as best he could, trying to get Alex to move and make it easier for them, though Alex seemed to not even notice them.

James sent Thomas a look and as calmly as he could told Aaron to go get as many blankets and towels as he could. Aaron returned minutes later out of breath and dragging enough towels for an army, his arms were sore and his lungs were on fire, but these three idiots were the only people he could say he loved, other than Theodosia but people knew better than to bring her up. When Aaron finally caught his breath, he took in the sight before him.

Thomas gently calling Alex's name, tears rolling down his cheeks as he desperately shook his shoulders trying to elicit some response.  
James was staunching the blood trickling out of what appeared to be scratch marks on Alexander's wrists.  
Aaron got to work with getting Alex out of his soaked clothes, wrapping the smaller man in towel after towel.

This was definitely not what he had wanted out of the situation, maybe some acceptance, if anything a gentle rejection.  
Not trying to save someone from freezing to death in a bathroom with your boyfriends.

After some time, they managed to drag Alex back into the master bedroom, and that's when Aaron finally had time to 'relax' and get down to business.

"Alright, James go make some food, something easy on the stomach" James nodded and took off towards the kitchen.  
"Thomas honey, go out and stock up on crackers, soup, stuff like that alright? James will end up using it all in one go" Aaron's voice softened when he spoke to Thomas, who himself didn't seem to look alright, but nonetheless gave a small shaky nod and made for the front door.

Aaron let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding in. He walked slowly towards the bed where Alex lay, awake, but unmoving and unresponsive. Aaron sat down gently on the bed next to Alex, he slowly reached out and swiped a thumb across Alexander's cheek. Much to his surprise Alex flinched away, an angry glare was shot in Aaron's direction.

"You should've let me freeze to death in there" Alex's voice was as cold as his skin.

Aaron realized that fixing Alex might not be the easiest thing they'd do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a mess already feel free to yell at me in the comments i deserve it this is not good at all and like w o w (tm) this isn t good at all and like no one likes this pairing probably sorry


	7. confession time here's what I got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander Hamilton sucks at confessing his feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> regretti fills me i regretti this chapter its not v good

Alex hand only been mildly aware of the world around him up until now. He had seen Aaron bust open the door, and Thomas desperately screaming and trying to drag him out of the bathtub, but he just felt numb. He could barely move, except for a few head movements, the world around him just felt too cold and distant.  
He used to get stuck in his head sometimes like this after John was particularly hard on him, he managed a shudder at the memory.

The way Thomas and James, and now Aaron were treating him was so wildly different than his actual lovers had been, if he'd been able to he'd have laughed at the situation. Here was his ex-friend, his enemy, and his fuckbuddy from college with a few feelings attached, all taking care of him.

The world around Alex faded in and out occasionally, all sounds remained muffled apart from some few select words.  
The first time he'd heard Thomas' voice say the words 'sweetheart' he'd assumed they'd been aimed at James, but the next time the word poked through the thick fog surrounding his mind, he could tell it was aimed at Aaron.

He knew exactly why the realization of it stung enough to rival a slap from John, and he didn't like that reason.

He knew damn well he had feelings for all three of these men, all wonderful morons in their own way, regardless of how they felt about him he couldn't deny the feelings he had for them.   
Maybe, just maybe, he'd try and work these feelings out with them, when he had control of himself again that is.

So to pass the time he made a mental list of all the little things it was about these three idiots that he'd liked so much.

Thomas was first on his little list.  
Thomas could act like an asshole as much as he wanted, but Alex had seen the genuine concern in his eyes when a debate had gotten a little bit too personal for Alex. The way Thomas preened when Alex payed him a rare compliment, was one of the most wonderful sights he ever seen, apart from Thomas' smile of course. His grin was all teeth, and you could feel the warmth from it when it was a real smile. Alex liked that about Thomas, he wasn't fake unless he had to be.

James was next on the list, it was only fitting to have him underneath someone who most likely tops in bed.  
James was gentle and soft, a good contrast to Aaron and Thomas who were all angles.   
Alex would stare into his big doe eyes all day if he could, he'd even imagined staring at them in the middle of some less than appropriate activities.

Alex decided to move on to Aaron before he had some inappropriate thoughts.  
Aaron and him had met in college, graduating from friends to fuckbuddys with a couple of strings attached. Aaron was a sweetheart and always insisted that Alex was one hundred percent alright with whatever sexual act they'd planned that night. John had never done that, most of the time John didn't take no for an answer.  
But Aaron was a lot different from John, Aaron actually had at least a shred of respect for Alex, something John never had.

He was yanked out of his thoughts as a hand came near his face, he instinctively flinched away. John used his hands a lot, never for good things, this may not be John's hand but old habits die hard.

A feeling of regret and relief flooded over him when he realized it was Aaron, the man looked concerned for the first time in front of Alexander.

"Alexander" He swallowed hard "seems like we have a lot to catch up on" a sad smile played on his lips for a second before melting into his usual neutral expression.  
"It seems we do" Alex's voice came out weak and tired sounding, his head was swimming now, putting a sentence together wasn't something he was putting a great deal of effort into right now.

Aaron waited, it took Alex a little longer than usual to realize that Aaron was pausing so he could speak.

"'m so fuckin tired Burr" Alex was done with today, it hadn't exactly been full of good times, he crawled into the only place he knew would make things better, the only place he ever found safe in college; Aaron's or Burr's lap.  
He was brought back to those days when everything was a hell of a lot less stressful, back when they weren't professionals and Aaron was just Burr.

He felt Burr tense up before relaxing, reaching down to run a hand through Alex's unkempt and still damp hair. After all these years Burr still remembered how to get him to calm down.

"Talk to me 'Lex, everything, all of it, tell me" Burr hadn't called him Lex in forever, but he still knew it meant business when Burr called him that.   
So that's what Alex did, he told Burr absolutely everything. From John and Eliza's deaths to Thomas and James, and his feeling for them and how he'd heard Thomas call him sweetheart, how devastated he'd been when he figured out they were all together and how he just didn't want to be alone. Alex realized he was rambling, more importantly he'd just spilled his feelings about all 3 of them to Burr and now they were sure to kick him out or make fun of him, or even reject him all together make him no for sure he had no hope of ever being with these three amazing men, he was rambling again but he didn't care until Burr broke the silence.

"'Lex I swear you wouldn't know someone had a crush on you unless they ran into your office and screamed it upfront" Burr snickered and pressed a kiss to Alex's cheek, something he hadn't felt in a long time.   
But Alex was still confused.  
"So you're saying you like me, but they like, and we all like each other, that is what your saying right?" Alex felt his fingertips tingle in anticipation, this was easier than he thought it'd be.  
"Yea smartass, we like-like you" Burr never had been good with admitting his feelings but it was romantic enough until Alex's stomach grumbled loudly enough to startle Burr, who in turn fell off the bed.

Burr practically threw him over his shoulder and lugged him downstairs mumbling something along the lines of 'tell James you're ready to eat and accept his feelings' this made Alex snicker and squirm under Burr's grip.

The snickering stopped when Burr all but dropped him on Thomas' lovely looking, but uncomfortable dining chair. 

"Talk it out before the macaroni fucker gets back" causing both Alex and James to laugh quite loudly, when their laughter dulled down James took on a more serious face.  
"What'd Aaron want us to talk about exactly?" shit, Alex hadn't really thought about that one on the way down so he did what he did best, vomited words.  
"You look really soft and gentle and sweet and I like you a lot, not just like you but like, like-like" Alex mentally smacked himself at that last bit. James snorted and raised an eyebrow.  
"Never thought I'd see the day, welcome to-" he gestured the air around him aggressively "us I guess, Thomas is gonna be so excited to hear about this, you wouldn't believe how much he goes on about you" Alex smiled softly at that, the little bit about Thomas gave him some newfound confidence.  
"Don't text him, I wanna make it special for him atleast, y'know in person, and maybe think about it before saying I like-like him" Alex wasn't sure if he'd regret not letting James text Thomas or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all dont regretti the chap as much as i do : ) ))


	8. Surprise im actually still alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its been like 10 years

wooooah its me bois ive returned lol   
so alot of people really liked this fic i guess lmao but im not rlly a hamilton boi anymore and like its kinda a dickish thing to do i guess but this fic is kinda cancelled i guess???  
unless someone wants to take over for me and take the fics? hmu if you wanna do that lmao i can give you the really old original plot line but if you wanna just take it and make your own story off of what i wrote its chill literally just copy all my chapters and upload them to ur own thing and then build off them or whatever idk   
I really do appreciate all the love this fic got but hamilton isn't my thing anymore  
If you like my writing style I will be starting some new fics about Be More Chill if that strikes your interest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u want the og plotline my skype is in the notes of a previous chapter i think lol just hmu

**Author's Note:**

> if people like this i will continue so i mean pls tell me if you do bc???? i am awful and without encouragement i will literally let this die bc i am like "oh ho ho noone has commented they all must literally hate you haha better never post again"  
> please make friendlies with me i am a lonely meme


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